I’m a sinner, I sin too much. I am pushed into a dark deep hole with no escape, no light just me and my regrets, try to scream but my voice is blocked, can’t seem to work it out if it’s all true or just a game of my mind. There are no different feels between my eyes closed and open. Darkness is all I see, the darkness of my sins. The sins I could have avoided but no I don’t avoid things, be it bad or good simply cannot avoid it. It’s in my habit, in my blood, in my antics.
Some days I wish out of regret maybe I could creep into a hole of darkness and disappear from where I use to exist, maybe to just relax and realize, make up my mind and calm my eyes. They hurt seeing people doing things which I may have planned on doing, people succeeding in a way I had planned to succeed. But, all is not fair when I finally have slipped into an ocean of darkness and loneliness preferably called solitude, I realized I needed light to overcome; overcome my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my gullibility, my laziness, my envious habits and daggers I shoot at people, (I do).
Residing in this dark hole is anything but beneficiary; I made myself a mockery for them ho hurt me the most. Oh! What am I supposed to do now? Is this how am I supposed to cope with shortcomings?
I know I don’t compromise. Want to but can’t. Can’t is such a simple word isn’t it eh? Changing it into “can” become the total opposite, more complex and strangled. Hope becomes lost. Friends turn into enemies. Support turns into disgrace. Happiness turns into anger. Liveliness turns into sorrow. confidence turns into weakness. Compliments turn into disgraceful words. Encouragement turns into discouragements.
And I realize I got to do something to get myself out of misery. And I see a light! Not by my eyes but by my heart. I realize hope, and I feel light and calming heartbeat with a rhythm. I open my eyes and feel fresh air, scene turning in front of my eyes, beautiful view, a sun glowing its rays of surrounding me with utmost strength, up high on a mountain I give a cry of happiness. I feel free, I have set my heart free, I fear no more, tables have turned I got everything back what I lost not from people like before but within me. And believe me, this time, the radiant glowing out of the sun is strong, the energy and satisfaction, the smile on my face is so real that it’s almost surreal. And my heart has been set free from all cages now, my sins have turned into lessons and my antics are great! I am learning something new every day; they’re not mistakes.
So many realizations at once, nonetheless I figured the time I wasted finding things and emotions from people were the once I was holding back in myself. I got them! I did it! I’m free!
And the freedom continues……
